I Get What I Put Into It

Four in the morning came really quick this morning.  I did not want to get up; I did not want to run.  I knew that if I didn't I would be mad at myself.  So I forced myself out of bed and started putting on my running gear.  On the days I don't want to work out, I just force myself into autopilot and start getting ready.  I was really tired this morning, because I went to a 7:15 boot camp some of the Nixa runners do on Tuesday and Thursday nights.  They let their kids run around while they workout.  My kids had a lot of fun. Jenn and I kicked our butts at the boot camp.  So needless to say, my legs did not show up for the run today.  They were still in bed. I was not able to run that long.  I tried switching to a 1-1 and even then at mile two, I just had to walk.  I walked a mile and made my way back in for a little over 4 miles this morning.

While I was running and walking this morning, I really started beating myself up.  A lot of negative thinking.  Thinking about how I will never be able to do this.  I am not strong enough physically and mentally.  I was still a mile away from being done and someone from the group drove by going home.  I started getting mad, mad that I was so far behind and so slow.  I was all alone today, because I could not stay with a group.  As you can tell, it was a downward spiral.  I had to really snap myself out of it.  I was up doing something that most people wouldn't even imagine or plan on doing "someday" but never do.

This is a process, and I get what I put in.  I know a guy at my size usually cannot just get up and run and run for distances.  I am still overweight.  I am still not where I need to be, but I am making my way there.  I need to toughen up mentally.  Learn to push my doubts out and focus on the positive.  Not give up and just run.  I want to be able to do the long distances without having to walk all the time.  I know there is nothing wrong with it and a lot of people train that way, but for me and my goals, I dream of just being able to run.  Run long and enjoy it.  I am dealing with almost 30 years worth of bad habits and self-doubt.  I am still learning who I am and who I can be.  I am changing the way I am and the way I think.  I am not a loser. I am a strong person, and I will be able to run long and enjoy it. 

Through my hard run today, I learned a lot about myself and who I can be.  The Chris with self-doubt and low self-esteem will still haunt me, but it will not define me anymore.