Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I Get What I Put Into It

Four in the morning came really quick this morning.  I did not want to get up; I did not want to run.  I knew that if I didn't I would be mad at myself.  So I forced myself out of bed and started putting on my running gear.  On the days I don't want to work out, I just force myself into autopilot and start getting ready.  I was really tired this morning, because I went to a 7:15 boot camp some of the Nixa runners do on Tuesday and Thursday nights.  They let their kids run around while they workout.  My kids had a lot of fun. Jenn and I kicked our butts at the boot camp.  So needless to say, my legs did not show up for the run today.  They were still in bed. I was not able to run that long.  I tried switching to a 1-1 and even then at mile two, I just had to walk.  I walked a mile and made my way back in for a little over 4 miles this morning.

While I was running and walking this morning, I really started beating myself up.  A lot of negative thinking.  Thinking about how I will never be able to do this.  I am not strong enough physically and mentally.  I was still a mile away from being done and someone from the group drove by going home.  I started getting mad, mad that I was so far behind and so slow.  I was all alone today, because I could not stay with a group.  As you can tell, it was a downward spiral.  I had to really snap myself out of it.  I was up doing something that most people wouldn't even imagine or plan on doing "someday" but never do.

This is a process, and I get what I put in.  I know a guy at my size usually cannot just get up and run and run for distances.  I am still overweight.  I am still not where I need to be, but I am making my way there.  I need to toughen up mentally.  Learn to push my doubts out and focus on the positive.  Not give up and just run.  I want to be able to do the long distances without having to walk all the time.  I know there is nothing wrong with it and a lot of people train that way, but for me and my goals, I dream of just being able to run.  Run long and enjoy it.  I am dealing with almost 30 years worth of bad habits and self-doubt.  I am still learning who I am and who I can be.  I am changing the way I am and the way I think.  I am not a loser. I am a strong person, and I will be able to run long and enjoy it. 

Through my hard run today, I learned a lot about myself and who I can be.  The Chris with self-doubt and low self-esteem will still haunt me, but it will not define me anymore.


Sarah M said...

"I am dealing with almost 30 years worth of bad habits and self-doubt"

And unfortunately, it will take you a while to work through those issues. And the urge to fall back into them will be strong. are doing such an amazing job recognizing your demons and fighting them! Keep it up and you will win not just the battle, but the war!

~Sarah M

it's all about pace said...

keep chipping away at the stone... one step, one chip, one day at a time... there is a sculpture in there... of the version of yourself you aspire to be... I think you see that... that's why you got out of bed. good work