Four in the morning came really quick this morning. I did not want to get up; I did not want to run. I knew that if I didn't I would be mad at myself. So I forced myself out of bed and started putting on my running gear. On the days I don't want to work out, I just force myself into autopilot and start getting ready. I was really tired this morning, because I went to a 7:15 boot camp some of the Nixa runners do on Tuesday and Thursday nights. They let their kids run around while they workout. My kids had a lot of fun. Jenn and I kicked our butts at the boot camp. So needless to say, my legs did not show up for the run today. They were still in bed. I was not able to run that long. I tried switching to a 1-1 and even then at mile two, I just had to walk. I walked a mile and made my way back in for a little over 4 miles this morning.
While I was running and walking this morning, I really started beating myself up. A lot of negative thinking. Thinking about how I will never be able to do this. I am not strong enough physically and mentally. I was still a mile away from being done and someone from the group drove by going home. I started getting mad, mad that I was so far behind and so slow. I was all alone today, because I could not stay with a group. As you can tell, it was a downward spiral. I had to really snap myself out of it. I was up doing something that most people wouldn't even imagine or plan on doing "someday" but never do.
This is a process, and I get what I put in. I know a guy at my size usually cannot just get up and run and run for distances. I am still overweight. I am still not where I need to be, but I am making my way there. I need to toughen up mentally. Learn to push my doubts out and focus on the positive. Not give up and just run. I want to be able to do the long distances without having to walk all the time. I know there is nothing wrong with it and a lot of people train that way, but for me and my goals, I dream of just being able to run. Run long and enjoy it. I am dealing with almost 30 years worth of bad habits and self-doubt. I am still learning who I am and who I can be. I am changing the way I am and the way I think. I am not a loser. I am a strong person, and I will be able to run long and enjoy it.
Through my hard run today, I learned a lot about myself and who I can be. The Chris with self-doubt and low self-esteem will still haunt me, but it will not define me anymore.